Pants 0. Shit 1.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
