please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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