At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
