A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
