you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
