The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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