I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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