He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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