Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
