For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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