Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
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