I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
