i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
