overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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