Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
