I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
