i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Randomize
