John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
