If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
