u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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