yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
