She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
