walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
