Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
