new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
