Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
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