This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
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