so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Randomize