there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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