my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
