why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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