just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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