i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
