Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
