Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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