Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
