Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
