It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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