I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
