Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
