he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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