I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
