Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
