I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
