You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
