I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
