honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
