I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Randomize
