i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
sarcasm needs its own font
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
