please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
