I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Fuck me I smell like cheese
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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