Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
We left the knife in your bed.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
