sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Randomize
