someone get that fucking seahorse.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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