Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
