I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
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