I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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