Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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